Here We Are Again: The Art of Conflict
Written by Chana Anthony - FSS Relationship and Family Therapist
As humans, we are wired for connection, so when tension arises in our relationships, our nervous system naturally goes on high alert. Conflict however is inevitable in any close relationship, but what if I told you it doesn't have to be destructive and it can in fact be an opportunity to deepen our connection to our partner?
Throughout our early years, we inherit core beliefs about conflict from our families, and these experiences and beliefs shape our views of conflict and the ways in which we respond when we feel hurt, unheard, or unseen. Most arguments between couples aren’t really about the dishwasher, being late or whose turn it was to take out the rubbish, but rather these are surface issues. Underneath these conflicts are unspoken needs - to feel seen, safe, respected and loved. In moments of conflict, we’re not just reacting to our partner, we’re reacting to the meaning we make of their behaviour, based on our early emotional blueprints. Recognising this can bring more self-awareness and compassion into the room and soften the intensity of the moment. With this in mind, next time you find yourself in a familiar conflict with your partner, I invite you to be a little more curious with yourself and ask “What need isn’t being met right now?”
Renowned psychologist and founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, Dr. Sue Johnson, describes how conflict in close relationships often follows a negative cycle rooted in our attachment needs. In this cycle, one partner may take on the role of the pursuer - someone who in the face of conflict finds themselves reaching out, raising concerns, and seeking reassurance - while the other may become the withdrawer, pulling back to avoid conflict or emotional overwhelm. These roles aren't fixed personality types, but rather protective strategies that emerge in moments of emotional distress. The pursuer often fears disconnection and longs to feel close and secure, while the withdrawerer may feel criticised or flooded, retreating in an attempt to stay regulated. Sadly, each partner’s attempt to protect the relationship can end up triggering the other’s deepest fears, creating a loop of misunderstanding and hurt.
So what can we do to help move from a place of disconnection to connection in the face of conflict? If we can get a little curious with ourselves and our partner, we can learn to better understand both ourselves and our partner better. Here are some tips:
Name the pattern. Instead of blaming, name what’s happening: “Here we are again in our pursuer–withdrawer pattern.”
Pause and self-soothe. Take a moment to regulate before continuing the conversation.
Get curious. Ask yourself (and your partner), “What is the real hurt underneath this reaction?”
Repair and reconnect. Conflict isn’t the problem - it’s rupture without repair that causes lasting harm. Show some courage to lean toward your partner for repair when you feel ready.
Importantly, the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict, it is to learn how to navigate it well. When we understand the patterns we’re caught in, and the wounds that drive them, we can begin to respond with greater care, empathy, and intention. Held with compassion, conflict can be a powerful invitation, not a sign of a broken relationship, but a pathway to a stronger, more secure one.
Written by Chana Anthony - FSS Relationship & Couples Therapist